I love you

Lord in heaven,

Please take good care of her. Tell her that I regret not treasuring her the last time I saw her. Tell her that I miss her already, and I would do anything to hold her one last time. Tell her I'm sorry I couldn't see her one last time, I hope she can forgive me. She should know my heart was with her till the very end. The 19 years we've had together were wonderful. Although I regret not giving her the attention I should have, it was a comfort to know she was always there when I needed her. I hope she wasn't scared. I hope she was happy knowing that she was with the people who loved her the most. If it wasn't clear to her before, most of all, tell her that I love her with all my heart. She was the best dog I could ever ask for. Please, tell her that I love her. Tell her not to forget me while she's having all sorts of fun in heaven, because I'll come looking for her one day. And when I do, I'll expect to see her perky self, wagging her tail happily at the sign of familiarity.

Amen.

Come Home, We Love You

And so, the U.S.'s run in the World Cup ended in the Round of 16 match against Ghana. The excitement, enthusiasm, and hope I had after our unforgettable match against Algeria is gone. Sure I said that I was satisfied with U.S. advancing to Round of 16, but when things are going good, one can't help but want more. It was a miracle that we made it to this match. Even after we lost the first goal in the first five minutes, I thought it was going to be okay. The way the U.S. had been playing, they were good at digging themselves out of holes, especially in the second half. We have a way of pulling through when it counted the most. We like to keep everything suspenseful, and even if it seemed like all hope was lost, something amazing happens. Well, even until the very last minute of overtime, I still had hope that we would pull something like that again. But the whistle was blown, and everything ended. Even if we won this round, we wouldn't have went much further if we only counted on adrenaline, stress, and last minute miracles.

The disappointment the U.S. team must feel....it breaks my heart. Their goal was to get to the Round of 16, which they did. But still, it must feel like a lost opportunity. Donovan, who has been through so much these past 4 years deserved another glorious moment, just as he did 2 days ago. To see him kneel on the field in disappointment is just to heartbreaking to watch. I hope they know that America is still proud of them, and they should be proud of themselves. We'll only get stronger, you just wait and see.

Landon Donovan, come home. L.A. misses you. and we still love you more than ever.

When Cancer Has A Face

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." - Kirby Puckett

Lately, I've just been surrounded by cancer. I did not think it was going to be easy shadowing at the pediatric oncology clinic. But no matter how much you emotionally prepare for something like this, it's not going to be easy. When you meet people, feelings become involved. Whether it's being in a room with them for 20 minutes or simply shaking their hand and exchanging a few words, human emotions become involved. Just a short encounter is more than enough to put a face on cancer. And when cancer has a face and name, everything becomes different. I can never think about "cancer" the same way. The word is now vivid, with personalities and stories, and remembered with a little heartache.

Last weekend, it was my first time doing Relay for Life. It was an interesting experience. Several times throughout the 24 hours, I found myself overwhelmed by the number of people out there -- all supporting a common cause. As I was waiting in line for dinner, I remember looking at the tremendously long line and thinking, "Wow, all these people raised at least $100 for this cause." All those people cared. Just when I think that compassion is becoming a rare commodity in the world nowadays, something like this happens. I'm truly moved.

Anyway, Relay was very fun. Our team raised a lot of money because of these super cute cupcakes that someone's sister made. The track had these annoying white rails that lined the innermost lane of the track, which look like the lane itself. I tripped at least five times during my time at the track. And the track had this weird trench area, which was obvious and never a problem in the daylight. But after the Luminaria ceremony at night, I almost landed on my face as I tripped into the lower ground. Pissed off as I was, I was complaining about the hazardous track to my friend when a random hole decided to form out of nowhere on the field that caused me to--yes, trip. Later that night, Gordon and I were playing frisbee on the field. For some reason, the universe decided that it would be a good idea for the night to be unusually cold, resulting in crazy amounts of condensation--everywhere. The field looked like it was rained on, and as a result, I fell on the grass twice and looked like a fool because no one else fell at all. And this morning, as I was recollecting the weekend and counting the number of times I fell/tripped, I slipped over a really, really small puddle. True story. I think I tripped/slipped/fell more times during the recent 24-hr Relay than I did in the past 2 years before it.

A Rollercoaster of a Night

I don't know why people are surprised, but shouldn't we have all realized that it was going to come to this? An untreated blood clot in the brain, isn't that a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode? The incompetent doctor...one month wait for the neurologist...surgery versus no surgery...we all should have known that this was going to happen.

Frank first called me at 9:47 pm. He asked me where J was, and coincidentally, she just left the room 2 minutes ago. And suddenly, it became near impossible to contact her. I asked him what was wrong, and he was reluctant to tell me at first, but then he told me he just had a stroke. I kept talking to him on the phone, and maybe five minutes later, he was telling me he was bleeding from his ears...and soon his mouth, nose, and eyes. All that was going through my mind was when the ambulance was going to get there. He of course was freaking out because he couldn't get through to J. Meanwhile in the room, we were frantically calling everyone in J's ministry to try to get in contact with J. Apparently, they were in church and no one was picking up. Thank goodness Frank still had enough consciousness to tell me the username and password to get inside the ministry website, so I could have access to the roster will all the contact information. I don't know whether it's a coincidence or all in some superior power's plan, but the only reason why I knew of the existence of such a roster was because earlier in the day, I was being nosy and reading what J was writing on the ministry forum. She happened to use an acronym "CIR" or something which meant, "contact information on roster." If she didn't tell me this, there was no way I would have known how to contact her.

So after 10 calls or so, we finally reached someone who happened to be in the same room with J. But just before then, I was on the phone with Frank, and he was going through some serious emotions. He was scared, of course he was. He didn't understand why the doctors weren't doing anything. One of the first doctors to see him said that there was nothing that could be done, and he might not make it. For some reason, Frank told me that he had 10 minutes (of life) left, and all I could do was cry with him. He couldn't understand why J couldn't be there for him when he needed her most. All I could say to comfort him was, "Just wait, don't worry, we're almost there."

I don't know what it feels like when someone tells you, you have 10 more minutes to life. But whatever it was, I could feel some of that as I was on the phone with him, and it was devastating and heart breaking.

They managed to drain the blood that was filling his brain, which saved his life. From what I could understand, the blood clot in his brain is now gone, and things should be fine. It's insane to think that it took almost dying for him to get better. Hopefully, the toughest hurdle has been overcome and it will only be uphill from here.

He didn't want us to visit him in the hospital, but we're going to see him tomorrow when he's discharged. Now that they say he's going to be okay, all Frank can think about is about his assignment that is due next week. Are you serious? He should seriously get his priorities straight. It's all this stress that led to a situation like tonight in the first place.

P.S. His assignment was an anthropology essay about the cemetery. Like, seriously? After a night like tonight, I would not be so eager to visit the cemetery. Talk about a hardcore student.

Is it wrong to love Darth Vader?

I just finished watching Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi, which completes my spring break marathon of Star Wars. I've been working on the muscular dystrophy project since Wednesday, and it's been sucking the life out of me. Since I procrastinated all quarter, I suppose working right when I wake up until I go to bed every day for five days straight is an appropriate punishment. I thought it was going to be easier, but I was wrong. After every image, I wanted to cry just thinking about the next one. But I made it more bearable. I'm an excellent multi-tasker, thus I was able to watch Star Wars as I was doing this. Although not the complete experience, since I listened more than I watched. So now I can finally say, "Yes, I know what Star Wars was about."

It probably made a difference that I watched I, II, and III before IV, V, and VI. I was completely sympathetic to Anakin. I was never able to hate Darth Vader, because everything Anakin did up to be point when he became Darth Vader, was out of love. He loved his mother, Padme, and even Obi-wan so much. It broke my heart when everything he treasured slipped through his fingers. The true villain of course, is the Sith Lord, the only character I hate. Is it wrong to love Darth Vader, or rather, Anakin? He was born as Anakin Skywalker, and died Anakin Skywalker, so this is what I'll call him from now on. "Darth Vader" was Anakin's despair, when everything he loved was taken away from him. Unlike Luke, Anakin's heart was weak, unable to bear pain and suffering. I really feel for him.

Other things happened since my last post too. But I got too much Star Wars on my mind to either remember or care.

Monster

12 hours of intense studying, and more to go. Just thinking about rereading my lecture slides makes me so sad, but it must be done. As I was studying, I realized how much I didn't understand when I was taking my second midterm for this class, which makes me even more sad. I'm an avoider, so I avoided getting my second midterm back so I still don't know how I did. I thought it did average, but after my intense day of studying, I'm pretty sure I didn't. "Food for Finals" was today, and this time, they gave us this Monster energy drink. I drank it, nothing happened, so disappointed. I mean, with a name like "Monster Hitman: Energy Shooter," you would think otherwise. Or maybe I'm the real monster here. The little monster energy drink is no match for the big sleepy monster.

Frankster Update: The doctor said there's nothing wrong with him, and his symptoms are normal symptoms for a blood clot, and that it would go away on its own. Since when did having seizure-like symptoms out of nowhere, fainting, tremendous weight loss, and chorea considered "normal." He's suffering like fuck, and there's seriously nothing you can prescribe to treat him? You incompetent son of a bitch. I told Frankster to get a second consult, but he dismisses the idea. This deep bond of trust between Koreans and their common regard of all others as untrustworthy is baffling to me. On one hand, when I think about their history, I do get it. But on the other hand, I totally don't.

My mom called me while I was studying.

"My friend gave me some music, it won't play on the computer."

"Oh."

"I dragged it and it won't play."

"I don't know, mom."
"Can you tell me how to fix it?"

"I don't even know what's wrong."

"It won't play."

"I have to see it to help you."

"So how do you make it play?"

"........................"

On Edge

Everyone's on edge when it comes to Frank. About half an hour ago, I went to check on him, and I saw that he shuffled, so I assumed he was alright. But Aqsa woke up, and seemed alarm that someone just came in the room.

"Jess, is that you?"

"Uh...yes..." and I leave the room quickly.

I am such a creeper. I sneak into people's rooms late at night and stare at them and leave. About 5 minutes ago, Aqsa just came in our room and asked to check on Frank because he was really restless. This boy needs to see the neurologist soon. Everyone's on edge and scared.